Wise words

I went to an act of worship for the first time in nearly a month on Wednesday. We are on our way for a time of recuperation in the Lake District but as I have little energy I have had to take the journey steadily. So we called into our favourite cathedral on Wednesday and did Evensong which included these words from the Apocrypha, the second chapter of Ecclesiasticus. 

They are words encouraging us to keep going when it is hard. I needed to hear them. Whenever I do Evensong there is always a word for me. I’m finding it hard to keep going at  the moment. So maybe I need to read these words a lot over the next few weeks...

My child, when you come to serve the Lord,

    prepare yourself for testing.

2 Set your heart right and be steadfast,

    and do not be impetuous in time of calamity.

3 Cling to him and do not depart,

    so that your last days may be prosperous.

4 Accept whatever befalls you,

    and in times of humiliation be patient.

5 For gold is tested in the fire,

    and those found acceptable, in the furnace of humiliation.

6 Trust in him, and he will help you;

    make your ways straight, and hope in him.

7 You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy;

    do not stray, or else you may fall.

8 You who fear the Lord, trust in him,

    and your reward will not be lost.

9 You who fear the Lord, hope for good things,

    for lasting joy and mercy.

10 Consider the generations of old and see:

    has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed?

Or has anyone persevered in the fear of the Lord[d] and been forsaken?

    Or has anyone called upon him and been neglected?

11 For the Lord is compassionate and merciful;

    he forgives sins and saves in time of distress.

12 Woe to timid hearts and to slack hands,

    and to the sinner who walks a double path!

13 Woe to the fainthearted who have no trust!

    Therefore they will have no shelter.

14 Woe to you who have lost your nerve!

    What will you do when the Lord’s reckoning comes?

15 Those who fear the Lord do not disobey his words,

    and those who love him keep his ways.

16 Those who fear the Lord seek to please him,

    and those who love him are filled with his law.

17 Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts,

    and humble themselves before him.

18 Let us fall into the hands of the Lord,

    but not into the hands of mortals;

for equal to his majesty is his mercy,

    and equal to his name are his works.

Moving on again

Our fifth move in a month - shattered! 

One month on...

A month ago today I keeled over in my kitchen after inhaling rather too many mould spores in it. 

We've been on the move ever since. I can't breathe in my home so I've had to leave it. Since the 20th August we have been in a hotel on Hastings sea front for a week, then a tiny holiday let in Icklesham for a week, and this last fortnight, house sitting overlooking the sea and enjoying this glorious view every day. I've loved watching ships and boats go past and on a very clear day seeing France across the Channel. Tomorrow we move into another hotel, are viewing a potential temporary home some distance away we might rent for six months and I commute into work for when I'm better. We are mentally drained from living out of suitcases and being out of control of our future for a while. Our cats are in a cattery and it is unsettling. I know people have been shocked when I've got upset and I say I'm struggling but I am! 

This week, due to the generosity of a friend we are moving north slowly to use a cottage in the Lake District for some proper rest and recuperation so I might have a chance to return to work a little bit in mid October. I am still coughing, having violent hot sweats moments after any activity and am sleeping loads. I've brought books and DVDs with me but can't concentrate on them. I go into a shop and have no idea why I'm in it. 

Suddenly my health and my home and my ministry have been taken from me. I haven't been to church for three Sundays and that is worrying because I haven't felt I've wanted to go. I haven't lost God, I'm just very disorientated. I need to read some Psalms in full including being in the dark, angry and with unanswered questions. I have no idea what is happening in my Circuit and what they are doing and saying. I will be able to lay that aside once I'm away from this area. 

I keep coming back to Cardinal Newman - I think these are deep and profound words. I hope despite all this God still knows what he is about... Here's Newman writing on March 7, 1848:

God was all-complete, all-blessed in Himself; but it was His will to create a world for His glory. He is Almighty, and might have done all things Himself, but it has been His will to bring about His purposes by the beings He has created. We are all created to His glory—we are created to do His will. I am created to do something or to be something for which no one else is created; I have a place in God's counsels, in God's world, which no one else has; whether I be rich or poor, despised or esteemed by man, God knows me and calls me by my name.

 God has created me to do Him some definite service; He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission—I never may know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. Somehow I am necessary for His purposes, as necessary in my place as an Archangel in his—if, indeed, I fail, He can raise another, as He could make the stones children of Abraham. Yet I have a part in this great work; I am a link in a chain, a bond of connexion between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good, I shall do His work; I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it, if I do but keep His commandments and serve Him in my calling.

Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us. He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life, He may shorten it; He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends, He may throw me among strangers, He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—still He knows what He is about.

Acts of Kindness

I am sorry the last blog post was so miserable. I am trying to make the best of what is going on at the moment. We are all very tired - there are three of us in our latest temporary home, and two of us as you see are so exhausted we've just laid down on the bed. All this moving about is too much. 

I am determined while off sick to do some writing. When I blogged from sabbatical every day people found that helpful. So how about I blog during this period of exile from work and from our home and we try to see what God is saying? I am struggling with people saying they are praying for us, what is the answer we want in prayer through this? As I said yesterday all I want is to rest in my own home in my own bed. But my theology and my spirituality are about a God in the mess, a God who is incarnate 

in the mess and a God who can take a good shouting at in lament and despair. Weirdly those psalms that say no it is NOT okay today and no your sugary sweet faith won't do and yes it is shite today and I'm going to tell you God are my favourites! So perhaps God is here as we face potentially eight moves in two months! 

Today I've been thinking about random acts of kindness. We are staying for a fortnight in a lovely house overlooking the sea and countryside through the kindness of one of my church members while she is away.  After this we are staying in the home of a Supernumerary minister and his wife while they are away. Kindness makes a difference. An offer of help, a "how are you" and staying for the answer, one small act of practical help or a kind message when you are feeling rough can make all the difference. I've been touched today by two messages. This morning the President of the Methodist Conference sent me these words: 

Ian, I’m so sorry that you are having such a rough time. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers at this time. May you have a sense of peace and heal well. Micky.

She is so busy but I was remembered. 

Then tonight last years President sent me these words. 

Dear Ian,  I hear and read you are in bit a mess at the moment, if I can call it that and so sorry to hear that you and Lis are nomadic  as well as your ill health issues.

I am writing to offer you some pastoral support if you require it.

She is also very busy and I was remembered. I don't feel very remembered locally, it is a strange thing to one day be Superintendent, and then not have a clue whether all is well out there! I also received tonight a lovely message from three preachers in the same family saying they will take any service when I am back with short notice if I am not feeling strong enough. Small acts of kindness can make a huge difference.

I went to a funeral recently in Shoreham, and had to change trains at Brighton. With time to kill I went outside the station and I spoke to a homeless man called Simon. I gave Simon £2 for a cup of tea, we had a long chat. He said to me "thank you - you are a gentleman" - not because of the £2 but because, maybe for the first time in ages he'd been listened to and respected..

So tonight I want to say to my readers, if there is someone in desparate need you know, one small thing can make a difference to their wellbeing and worth. An e mail, a text, a phone call, can I get you some shopping, a visit, offering to take something off their diary, small practical things. To say we are praying for you is all very well, but sometimes we need to be the answer to our own prayers.

I know Luther called the epistle of James an epistle of straw because he felt there was no meat in it, but I find James a challenge. In the end if I am to be judged as a Christian, I will be judged by how genuine my Christianity was. 

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good[b] is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

What difference, through kindness can we make to people today? 

Travelling on again

Meena is very confused. "Why are we packing again?" her face asks, "are we going home now?"

Most of you will have heard by now that I have been signed off sick for at least two weeks by the doctor, following a nasty flare up of an old lung condition, caused by too much inhaling of mould spores in the manse which have built up over a long period of time and have now been left so long we are here. Lis and I are not living in the manse for the foreseeable future having a nomadic life enforced on us through circumstances we find ourselves in, moving from hotels, to cottages, to house sitting, to house sitting again then we hope to a long term rental the Circuit Stewards are trying to arrange for us. It isn't easy living out of a suitcase, and adapting to different surroundings. Three cats find themselves in prison and one is on the move with us, wondering what on earth is going on! 

I am led to reflect on the need to react quickly to events that happen in life. I am told not to return to my home. I pack what I need to function in a case and my study is in a Sainsbury's bag. I can't find anything! Most of what I need I didn't pack. More seriously how would we cope if suddenly we had to move to protect life itself? The news is full of accounts of refugees, on the run with nothing, but fleeing is the better option then staying put. 

This is not a new problem - remember the children of Israel who for generations after leaving the tyranny of Egypt lived out of tents in the desert. They got cross, they got stressed, they wanted a safe home quickly, they turned on the authorities for an explanation - read in Exodus the tongue lashing Moses gets! 

I have desparately, really desparately, missed leading worship today on the first Sunday of a new church year, the first time in 22 years I have not been able to do so. Indeed I haven't even been to church today, sleeping most of the day, apart from a late lunch in the pub in the village we have been staying in this week, and getting the key to the house we are staying in for the next fortnight from tomorrow. I then fell asleep through Vanity Fair, woke up to some dreadful impressions show, turned the channel over to Match of the Day as Mrs Wife was asleep by this point and I got the remote off her, but then I fell asleep again! I keep coughing, losing my voice, going hot which feels weird and feeling faint. It's ridiculous! 

I am being told by some to see this time of sick leave as a gift, I am being told by others when I start being negative to have more faith. I don't want to be here in this place. I don't want lungs that don't do mould. I want to be in my own bed in my own home, but I can't be and I have to come to accept that else I'll go crazy. There is that bit of the covenant prayer about being laid aside. I am there at the moment and I have to find peace in being there. 

When we are in uncertain places we need a bit of certainty. The thought of Christmas in a strange place is a interesting prospect. But I hold on to some hope and those with faith with nothing do this too. At the end of the journey stressed and exhausted and not trusting very much, the people receive this amazing promise: "It is the Lord who goes before you, he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

From a position of vulnerability I commend this certainty to myself and to others who may be beginning this year not very positively and in a place they would rather not be. All will be well, won't it?