What a difference a year makes!

Holy Island in February 2019.

And the same view a year ago! 

Unbelievable British weather...

Healing and Hope

It won’t surprise my regular readers that to get away from what someone yesterday called “stuff” I have headed to Holy Island for just over two weeks to try and think about the future. There is so much in my head I need peace. I love to just stand and listen when the tide comes in and we are cut off from the mainland and the hordes of tourists have gone home. Apart from geese flying over and seals singing and birdsong and the lapping of the waves onto the beach, there is silence. A real gift. 

It’s been good over the weekend to meet the new vicar here, Canon Sarah Hills. Sarah has come here from Coventry Cathedral, where she headed up their reconciliation programme. The church here feels lighter. She’s great fun and took time to listen to us last night when we met her for the first time. We’ve been invited round the vicarage! She helpfully told me you can’t go backwards. And sometimes healing only comes when we choose a different way. 

Lis commented on her vestments after service this morning.

“Nice frock!” she said.

“Isn’t it lush!?” replied the vicar. Probably the first time ever the word lush has been used in that church!!

Tonight Sarah offered us a service of healing and hope in candlelight. She shared a story she’d read from Gervaise Phinn, the Yorkshire school inspector. 

He tells the story of a little boy who sat shyly in the classroom. When he goes to look through his workbook he finds he has written a piece entitled 'Myself' that is full of self-deprecation, a sense of not being very good at anything. Flicking through the book he comes across something scrawled at the back that he thinks is wonderful. He tells the little boy how much he likes it and asks for a copy. This is what it says:

Yesterday yesterday yesterday
Sorrow sorrow sorrow
Today today today
Hope hope hope
Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow
Love love love

Phinn tells the boy it is a wonderful little poem, to which the little boy replies They're my spelling corrections, sir!

Sarah suggested to us the process of healing can be lengthy and it is a journey from sorrow which needs to be named and recognised, to hope things might get better, to finding love. Healing comes not diminishing our pain but recognising we are loved by God through it and beyond it. She quoted Desmond Tutu, one of her heroes: “ In the end what matters is not how good we are but how good God is. Not how much we love Him but how much He loves us. And God loves us whoever we are, whatever we’ve done or failed to do, whatever we believe or can’t.” 

I found the simple service very powerful and helpful. I hope to get some clarity while here. I may be facing some things I have to face and I need to know it will all be alright. It’s about finding God in the confusion and seeking the still small voice. Here I find that listening to the silence, in conversations on the street, and in the church which has offered a divine fixed point since the 7th century and where every day since St Aidan prayers and hope have been offered as people come in all sorts of circumstances. 

In evening prayer the other night the reading was 2 Timothy chapter 3. Some of the chapter is famous but to read the whole thing reminds me where healing comes from. In the end the things that try to diminish or hit us hard will not last. I need this time to relearn this.

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.

People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,

without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,

treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--

having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires,

always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth.

Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth--men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected.

But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.

You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance,

persecutions, sufferings--what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium and Lystra, the persecutions I endured. Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them.

In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

while evil men and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it,

and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Remembering Ruth

The Rev Ruth Scott died today. You might not know who she is. She was a regular contributor on Radio 2’s Pause for Thought first with Terry Wogan and then Chris Evans. 

Have a listen if you have a spare 20 minutes to this link. It’s an amazing testimony about not fearing death, and also, in a world that has gone mad, some words about what matters. 

https://play.acast.com/s/chrisevansvirginuk/chrisevanswithreverendruthscott

Rediscovering what matters

So I went to see the doctor. 

He said ' Mr Cooper, I haven't seen you in a long time'

I said ' I know, I've been ill'

You can’t beat a bit of Tommy Cooper! 

I’ve realised over the last few days I need a break. With few answers yet to the things that need answering in our life, I recognise I am mentally exhausted. Yesterday I put a box of cat food pouches in the fridge, then I went to the shops, parked the car, then couldn’t find the car on going back despite walking past it three times! 

Tonight I need to know simply that God cares. I’m not in a good place but I hold on to those who care for me and walk with me each day. This morning in church, I went to listen for a word. Two words came as we sang “And can it be?” The words that Jesus “emptied himself of all but love, and bled for Adam’s helpless race.” 

There’s comfort isn’t there in a God on a cross who empties himself and all that remains is love we cannot describe or measure. When we are empty, we need filling. When we are empty spiritually, we go to the foot of the cross and meet the vulnerability of God and leave our crap there and wait in silence for direction and healing. 

Then Jesus bled. We don’t do blood in hymnody these days nor do we properly do Good Friday. That Jesus bled is a vital part of spirituality. A God who just does froth doesn’t get my life. When we are helpless, we need to know someone who has been where we are doesn’t then run away. In a world that is bloody, I need a Jesus who gets bloody too. It’s not straightforward or pretty most of the time, let’s be honest about it. 

How do we do this emptying and bloody brand of Christianity? Some thoughts came to me today. I miss preaching SO much! I got upset in church this morning. We were very late so the only seats were in the front row right in front of the lectern. The minister is an old fashioned sort and only uses the pulpit. I kept staring at the lectern with no one behind me and so wanted it to be me. But not to be, yet! 

First, we need to forget power and dominion. The Jesus we say we believe in washes feet, gets involved in mess and empties himself. Power and horrid stuff cannot win. There will always be a brighter tomorrow even if we can’t see how we get to it today. I’m reading some Harold Kushner at the moment, a wise Jewish Rabbi who writes eloquently about Job. He says, “Let me suggest that at the core of Jewish God-talk is the unshakable conviction that God’s most dominant attribute is His commitment to justice rather than power. Earthly kings lust for power, for total control, and are prepared to sacrifice justice, to hurt innocent people, to hold on to power. But as far as the God of Israel is concerned, in a conflict between justice and power, justice will prevail. God will not do wrong.” That’s great, isn’t it? 

Then we need to make a commitment to be bloody! I’m aware so many people just need help. I’ve just written an e mail asking for help. I’m amazed how quickly the person I wrote to replied. I feel better. We also need a commitment to be kinder. We are watching a lot of inane TV at the moment. We’ve just finished Grantchester. The new priest preached a sermon at the end of the last episode. I know it was only the sermon from the vicar of Grantchester but how true his comment.

“Be kind. As most of those you meet will have a hidden troubles that you’ll simply not know about”

A credible church will be dominated by effective pastoral care. 

I’m having a break now from blogging and from social media for a few weeks. We need to get away for some space and to listen to each other and for God, due to life happening around us. In the meantime I rest in God and I hope... 

Rediscovering what matters, I will pick myself up and go on, but for now, I stop. It’s okay to be exhausted. After some time out, I may not walk past the car three times trying to find where I parked it!!!! 

Perhaps Donald was right

“There are known knowns, things we know that we know; and there are known unknowns, things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns, things we do not know we don't know.”

Perhaps Donald Rumsfield, George W Bush’s Defence Secretary, in his briefing about the progress of the war in Iraq had it right. Uncertainty seems to be the theme of every blog I write at the moment. 

I had my long awaited appointment with the thoracic consultant on Tuesday morning. After five and a bit months of being unfit for work I wanted him to tell me what I have and how we can get me better. 

He did not have any definitive answers despite tests showing something thickening in my lungs. He didn’t think this was a problem! He did not belittle my symptoms, and put me on some medication he wondered might help (which I think is a red herring) and referred me to a sleep consultant to see if that might help as I’m so shattered after doing anything. He said he would see me again in the summer. I left very disappointed with unknowns. 

I had a GP appointment on Thursday afternoon. She had few answers, either! She’s referred me to another consultant. I’m now under five of them! She’s reading up about male menopause as we don’t know why I keep going violently and debilitatingly hot. She declared me unfit for work for another six weeks. She said she would see me again in a fortnight. I left very disappointed with unknowns. 

Living with unknowns is hard. People want answers now. Someone rang me to talk about a work thing I’ve promised to do in May. I told her I can’t make any promises. “You are on the programme”, she said. I told her again I can’t make any promises. She then said “But when will you be back at work!?!!” An unknown wasn’t welcome. 

Placing my hopes on medical experts to have all the answers this week has led to disappointment. I have to accept this isn’t going to be solved yet. I have to take the tablets and do more tests until someone gives me a known. I have to keep doing what I can, trusting others to do what I can’t back in my churches, and hoping this won’t be for ever. I have to be patient. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness shall not overcome it! But it isn’t easy. 

Resting in the present moment and rejoicing in what I can manage and what is getting better will keep me calm as I wait for answers. It’s amazing that what I read helps when I need some assurance. I dipped into my favourite writer Barbara Brown Taylor the other day. She puts this idea of living in the now very well: 

"Most of us spend so much time thinking about where we have been or where we are supposed to be going that we have a hard time recognizing where we actually are. When someone asks us where we want to be in our lives, the last thing that occurs to us is to look down at our feet and say, 'Here, I guess, since this is where I am.'"

~From An Altar in the World

So in the unknowns here I am. Not where I want to be but trying to live each day waiting and hoping. The consultant on Tuesday recognised my energy levels and fitness are at rock bottom because I’ve been off sick for so long but I’ve decided so I don’t get depressed about this not yet being solved, to do something positive every day even if it wipes me out afterwards. I’ve actually done three things today. I’ve been to church; I’ve been to the bottle bank (a great way to get your frustration out!) and I’ve cleaned the kitchen! Whoop whoop :) 

It’s really hard that others have my future in their hands at the moment but I still trust all will be well and that God has it all in control. I hope so, anyway! 

I’m pondering A Spirituality Of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Perhaps this is where I am in the midst of known and unknown unknowns. 

  “Waiting is open-ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes: “I wish that the weather would be better. I wish that the pain would go.” For this reason, a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want to future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair.

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God molds us according to God’s love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wit actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination, fantasy, or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control”

Certainties when we need them

How do you find certainties when not very much is certain? I’ve not blogged for a few weeks because I’ve not had anything to say. The last few weeks have been hard as this illness drags on and on and questions I have remain unanswered about the future. 

I miss being part of my churches and yearn to be with them again. But for now it is a blessing to me to be part of the people called Methodist at Hailsham, who have welcomed us and are gently caring for us. My wife donated them a box of peppermint tea for her the other week as she has in all my churches. Yesterday a cup was poured for her without her asking! We are part of them! Yesterday was communion and I felt a strong urge in me to receive. I’ve not been part of a church receiving at length since before I went to college 25 years ago. I told someone last night that Hailsham as a temporary home, a vibrant community and the welcome of its church is a gift from God at the moment as life is tough. 

Communion for me is a comfort and a renewing to live life again in the light of being loved held in the overwhelming love of Christ for me. I’ve been feeling rough and yesterday it really helped. I’m aware as a presbyter how when my congregations kneel in front of me there is there a mixture of pastoral need. Everybody comes as they are wanting help. 

Roger, the minister at Hailsham, reminded us of the late Rev John Munsey Turner, his liturgy tutor in college. John was also my Methodist history tutor at Hartley, an eccentric man you will never forget! He said all you need to know about the mystery of the Eucharist is to be found in two verses of Charles Wesley’s hymn:

Come, Holy Ghost, your influence shed,
and realise the sign;
your life infuse into the bread,
your pwer into the wine.

Effectual let the tokens prove
and made, by heavenly art,
fit channels to convey your love
to every faithful heart.

Where do you find certainty when all feels uncertain? By holding on to the promises you know. The 2nd of February was Candlemas, a lovely festival ending the Epiphany season. The elderly Simeon had waited for ages, believing that God would one day break into the world in a way that would bless everyone. He wasn’t expecting a baby, but on seeing the promise, he was able to find that peace he had yearned for all his life. I love his prayer is sung at evensong every night. The light has come. We hold on to that light especially when it feels dark. We reach out for certainty when we aren’t sure which way to go.

So much as I write this is uncertain. I don’t understand Brexit. Sad individual I am I bought myself a book on Saturday! Are we really going to leave the EU on March 29 with no deal? This week I see the thoracic consultant at Eastbourne hospital to get the results of all his tests and scans and hopefully plan where we are going. I’m frightened! I want answers.

 It’s easy to think I’m uncared for and alone when I forget wallowing in my lot, the certainties around me, the love when I’m a horrible pain of my lovely wife, without who these last five months and a bit would have been even more hellish, the care of friends who send me notes, words in a Circuit magazine really kind about what I give they are missing, a visit from my colleagues last Friday enabling me to laugh, and a safe space in Hailsham to restore my confidence in the Church after a really damaging time. 

How do we find certainty in uncertainty? We went to the Parish Church last night. They were having an informal service on what we know about God when we suffer. Rory, the assistant priest, in his prayers asked that the promises we know might marinate in us. I liked that phrase a lot. Let what we know marinate in us. Hold on tight to what is certain. I don’t know what the consultant will say on Tuesday, I don’t know how long my GP will say I’m not fit for work when I see her on Thursday, I don’t know where we will be moving to when we have to leave Hailsham in May. But I believe whatever we will be alright because God has a bigger picture for our good. So perhaps remembering love and communion and fellowship I need to know those things and not fret so much about what as yet I don’t know.  Like Jasper who lies in the sun, I just have to enjoy wherever it is good and trust the rest will be sorted in time. 

I cannot tell how He will win the nations,
  How He will claim His earthly heritage,
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
  Of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory,
  And He shall reap the harvest He has sown,
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendour 
  When He the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is known.

What do you know that is certain? Hold on to it!