Perhaps Donald was right

“There are known knowns, things we know that we know; and there are known unknowns, things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns, things we do not know we don't know.”

Perhaps Donald Rumsfield, George W Bush’s Defence Secretary, in his briefing about the progress of the war in Iraq had it right. Uncertainty seems to be the theme of every blog I write at the moment. 

I had my long awaited appointment with the thoracic consultant on Tuesday morning. After five and a bit months of being unfit for work I wanted him to tell me what I have and how we can get me better. 

He did not have any definitive answers despite tests showing something thickening in my lungs. He didn’t think this was a problem! He did not belittle my symptoms, and put me on some medication he wondered might help (which I think is a red herring) and referred me to a sleep consultant to see if that might help as I’m so shattered after doing anything. He said he would see me again in the summer. I left very disappointed with unknowns. 

I had a GP appointment on Thursday afternoon. She had few answers, either! She’s referred me to another consultant. I’m now under five of them! She’s reading up about male menopause as we don’t know why I keep going violently and debilitatingly hot. She declared me unfit for work for another six weeks. She said she would see me again in a fortnight. I left very disappointed with unknowns. 

Living with unknowns is hard. People want answers now. Someone rang me to talk about a work thing I’ve promised to do in May. I told her I can’t make any promises. “You are on the programme”, she said. I told her again I can’t make any promises. She then said “But when will you be back at work!?!!” An unknown wasn’t welcome. 

Placing my hopes on medical experts to have all the answers this week has led to disappointment. I have to accept this isn’t going to be solved yet. I have to take the tablets and do more tests until someone gives me a known. I have to keep doing what I can, trusting others to do what I can’t back in my churches, and hoping this won’t be for ever. I have to be patient. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness shall not overcome it! But it isn’t easy. 

Resting in the present moment and rejoicing in what I can manage and what is getting better will keep me calm as I wait for answers. It’s amazing that what I read helps when I need some assurance. I dipped into my favourite writer Barbara Brown Taylor the other day. She puts this idea of living in the now very well: 

"Most of us spend so much time thinking about where we have been or where we are supposed to be going that we have a hard time recognizing where we actually are. When someone asks us where we want to be in our lives, the last thing that occurs to us is to look down at our feet and say, 'Here, I guess, since this is where I am.'"

~From An Altar in the World

So in the unknowns here I am. Not where I want to be but trying to live each day waiting and hoping. The consultant on Tuesday recognised my energy levels and fitness are at rock bottom because I’ve been off sick for so long but I’ve decided so I don’t get depressed about this not yet being solved, to do something positive every day even if it wipes me out afterwards. I’ve actually done three things today. I’ve been to church; I’ve been to the bottle bank (a great way to get your frustration out!) and I’ve cleaned the kitchen! Whoop whoop :) 

It’s really hard that others have my future in their hands at the moment but I still trust all will be well and that God has it all in control. I hope so, anyway! 

I’m pondering A Spirituality Of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Perhaps this is where I am in the midst of known and unknown unknowns. 

  “Waiting is open-ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes: “I wish that the weather would be better. I wish that the pain would go.” For this reason, a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want to future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair.

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God molds us according to God’s love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wit actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination, fantasy, or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control”