It will pass

I was really sad when BBC Three went off ordinary telly. It had some compelling if awful programmes, Snog Marry Avoid being a highlight. So I was pleased the BBC had a rethink and at 10.35 on Monday to Wednesday, BBC Three programmes are on BBC One. In this slot, I discovered the second series of Fleabag, an absolute masterpiece. I’ve now watched the first series and it’s genius. 

In the second series, Fleabag has had desires for the “hot priest” knowing he is out of bounds. There’s a fabulous scene with Fiona Shaw as the psychiatrist - find it on i player. At the end of the series Fleabag in a heartbreaking scene says to him  "You know the worst thing is that I fucking love you. I love you.”

"No, no don't," she adds moments later before the priest replys. "No. Let's just leave that out there just for a second on its own. I love you."

Then, in one devastating motion, the priest reaches across, grabs her hand and says matter-of-factly: "It'll pass."

“It’ll pass.” Will it? When the pain of what we can’t have feels like it will never go away? I feel tonight for Fleabag. 

There are people tonight who feel their pain will never pass. It’s hard for them to accept what they want cannot be and the pain of that feels unbearable. To be told “it’ll pass” feels trite. Even if it will pass. 

Some of my readers will know through continued ill health I’ve had to decide to curtail a very happy appointment as Superintendent in Hastings after seven years of trying to serve the Circuit faithfully. I’m really struggling with the pain of having to make that decision. I feel guilty as I’m letting people down and I feel sad because I’m now in a very uncertain place. I have no answers about the future medically and about where we are going next. We are in the hands of others and we are both finding that hard. We need direction out of the pain - but that may not come yet. 

I guess I hold on in the pain of uncertainty that it WILL pass. In God’s time, but for now, I have to keep journeying and waiting for answers. Where is the path going? I have to accept ministry for the next year or so will be different. I don’t want to leave Hastings but I have no choice, it isn’t fair to the Circuit I deeply care about to keep them hanging on for answers when I might be well enough to come back to work. I don’t want to leave Hailsham at the end of May, I’ve loved living there and the church there, but I have no choice as they need their manse back! I have to accept an occupational health report says I will not be fit to return to work anytime soon. 

How do I live with the pain of bereavement until it passes? My occupational health report done by a very through doctor, says I need to do things slowly and take the pain afterwards to build up my resilience and self esteem again. I’ve discovered an app called Active 10. It encourages 10 minutes of brisk walking a day. I’ve done it over the last week and I’m pleased I’ve managed more than 10 minutes a day. I’ve also been invited to share in a service of worship on 5 May to see how I do. The occupational health report says the powers that be need to see me trying to judge if  I’m fit to enter stationing for 2020. On my walks daily out of the manse in Hailsham, I’ve discovered this pond. It’s a peaceful place and I’m finding it helpful to walk round it. I place my pain in the peace into the hands of God. 

“It’ll pass” - well maybe it will - but we need resources to live in the pain for now. Fleabag couldn’t have the love she longed for; I can’t have the ministry I long for; in the Brexit mess, people can’t have what they want, either those passionate about leaving, wanting the 52:48 vote actioned, or those who feel we need to think again. It’s frightening today that Nigel Farage has today formed a new political party. God forbid we move to the right. There are others pastorally who suddenly find life’s circumstances mean radical change initially that they just can’t cope with. 

We are about to enter Holy Week. I’ve been encouraged to go away for it and seek what God is saying. My regular readers might guess where we are heading! I’m taking books by my favourite authors, Barbara Brown Taylor, Nadia Bolz-Weber; Rachel Held Evans and Tom Wright’s book on the events of Holy Week, plus my Book of Common Prayer, and with them the acts of worship I attend, let’s see what God might say about this pain and how I move out of it. 

We were in Westminster Abbey the other day for evensong. The choir sang these words. Perhaps the key to surviving until the pain passes is to give our uncertainty and frustration to the Christ who suffers on a Cross. His pain was real and it lasted for some time. The Christian experience is to remember we are never alone in these times and to remember the end of the story, which will come in God’s time. The pain will not have the last word but sometimes we can do no other but live it but we aren’t alone in it. 

These words perhaps are my prayer tonight until it passes...

Oh, the sweetness, and delight 
of the human race, Jesus Christ, 
you who for our salvation 
were stretched out on the Cross, 
by all the limbs and bones 
of your body, which were stretched out 
in you, and were numbered, 
I ask you, O most merciful Jesus, 
to join my unhappy self 
to you thus, 
that through prosperity or adversity 
of this world, I may never 
be separated from you. Amen.

O suavitas et dulcedo (Philippe de Monte)