Anyone else struggling today?

I’m struggling today. I’m really struggling. I cannot get going. Suddenly this lockdown feels hard. I can’t see it being lifted any time soon. 

Well meaning things sent to name the number one song was on my twelfth birthday (Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive” if you want to know) and asking me to post a picture of a beach or the sixth picture on my camera roll (Peterborough Cathedral) are fun for a bit; the box set of “Victoria” is on the DVD player episode after episode, my wife does love a box set! But today I need more sustenance...

How on earth am I going to sit here with only a little paddock to walk round for another three months at least? How can I stop worrying about this thing getting worse and the consequences of that in all sorts of ways as people lose their lives, the hospitals, care homes and service industries need more help, the government finds itself in an unprecedented place trying to keep us all up to date and safe, businesses are on the verge of going bust, events are cancelled and major life moments are put on hold? Including some of ours! What happens if none of us can move to new appointments meant to start in September? Perhaps like the Olympics, everything will be deferred to 2021. It’s worrying and it can easily eat you up. 

Terry Waite, held in captivity in the 1980’s in Lebanon offers good advice in this newspaper article. I guess it’s about taking this a day at a time.

I wanted to admit I’m struggling because so many of you who read this blog tell me that you appreciate my honesty. My faith is that God comes into the dark and the unanswered questions and into days where, like today, we just can’t function... 

So I decided an hour ago to dig into my spiritual resources and see if God might help... 

I began by seeing what the Psalm set for evening prayer was tonight and whether it says anything for how I feel today. The Psalm was Psalm 62. These words are for me in this moment and all of us who feel overwhelmed...

“Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul; 
for in him is my hope.

He alone is my rock and my salvation, 
my stronghold, so that I shall not be shaken. 

In God is my strength and my glory; 
God is my strong rock; in him is my refuge.

Put your trust in him always, my people; 
pour out your hearts before him, for God is our refuge.”

The C of E reflections on the Psalms has this reflection by Angela Tilby which is helpful:

”There are times in the spiritual life when faith is put on trial and there is no obvious evidence of God’s presence or guidance in our lives. At such times it can be tempting to give up, to abandon our trust in God. This psalm is a call to endurance. We sometimes need to sit it out in God’s presence, to wait quietly when all seems against us.

Yet, as the prayer of this psalm progresses, there is a strengthening of faith that comes through sheer dogged persistence. Our prayer brings us to the recognition that everything that is purely human is built on shifting sand. We cannot rely on anything or anyone other than the living God. Gradually we come to realize that God alone provides the security we crave.” 

Every night in the Downing Street press conference whoever is leading it from the government is asked how long this period of lockdown will go on. There are no answers just graphs on slides at the moment. We know Holy Week and Easter has to be done virtually (which could be a fun challenge); that Wimbledon has been cancelled and that most major events even in August are in doubt. Maybe this is a time, however hard to “sit it out”. 

How do we do that? Angela Tilby talks about endurance. And turning to God! So next I thought I’d turn to my spiritual hero Bonhoeffer. I am not tied to a radiator in the dark like Terry Waite or in prison awaiting death like Bonhoeffer was even if I’m finding not going out  tough. Bonhoeffer’s “Letters and Papers from Prison” is an awesome masterpiece. In this famous prayer he names his condition but reminds himself of the presence of a greater power that can get him through. 

“In me there is darkness but with You there is light;

I am lonely, but You do not leave me;
I am feeble in heart, but with You there is help;
I am restless, but with You there is peace.
In me there is bitterness, but with You there is patience;
I do not understand Your ways,
But You know the way for me.”

“Lord Jesus Christ,
You were poor
And in distress, a captive and forsaken as I am.
You know all man’s troubles;
You abide with me
When all men fail me;
You remember and seek me;

It is Your will that I should know You
And turn to You.
Lord, I hear Your call and follow;
Help me.”

“Help me” is a prayer. A two word prayer is okay! We need to give how we feel to God. I’m glad to see how much stuff churches are putting on line like daily prayers and Sunday services. People are searching for comfort. The numbers looking on line at what is being offered far surpass the numbers who attend public worship. I hope when we are allowed to gather together again in buildings to be Church, we learn from what is going on now. We need to share a God who can take how we feel. We need authenticity urgently. 

Then in my struggles today I remembered what someone wise said to me the other day. We like to control the future and make plans but the trouble is much is now beyond our control. She said to me I need to break a potentially long period of isolation and not seeing anyone apart from Lis, apart from virtually seeing people through the wonder of Zoom, into small bits. What can I do tomorrow? What about this weekend? What are we having for dinner? Can I get a food delivery in the next few days? What can feed me spiritually tomorrow? The future will sort. I’m helpless to do anything about getting our possessions out of the Old Vicarage or when we will move northwards or whether the Church will be meeting when I’m meant to begin a new appointment or whether I’ll even get there then. But I can make plans for tomorrow and live well. Spiritually, physically and mentally. I like this hymn: 

Lord, for tomorrow and its needs 
I do not pray;
Keep me, O God, from stain of sin, 
Just for today. 

Keep me, O God, from stain of sin, 
Just for today
2.⁠Let me both diligently work 
And duly pray;
Let me be kind in word and deed,
Just for today. 

Let me be kind in word and deed,
Just for today
3.⁠Let me no wrong or idle word
Unthinking say;
Set thou a seal upon my lips,
Just for today. 

4.⁠So, for tomorrow and its needs 
I do not pray;
But Keep me, guide me, love me Lord,
Just for today

At the end of my wobbly day and finishing this came this nite blessing prayer by Malcolm Duncan. Like the Psalms say where you are when you read them, often his little prayers say just what we are struggling to say...

“When you feel like you are at breaking point may you always remember that you are held in the grip of grace.

 

When pressures mount around you and fears rise within you, may God be the One Who soothes your soul; whispers peaces to your spirit, and gives you the courage to rise and fight another day.

 May you be given the wisdom to know when you need to pause and when you need to press in.”

As I’ve said in recent blogs it’s okay to say it isn’t alright today. I think having admitted that for myself I’ve discovered four steps so tomorrow can be better:

Sit it out.

Give it to God.

Make small plans.

Be kind to yourself and remember (step 5) this soon shall pass... 

Night night x